Well, here it is another Sunday night and I am awake. Actually it is 1:00 Monday morning. It is another one of those nights that my mind won’t let me go to sleep, so here I sit. With one question going through my mind:
Is my faith too weak?
Sunday we had a party here to celebrate Mallory’s upcoming birthday. We had a great time with great friends. During the party we started talking about the power of prayer, and something was said that really got me thinking:
Is my faith too weak? Do I rely on God enough?
Do you remember a few years ago when The Prayer of Jabez was popular? As I recall, there was a group of people that said we just need to ask God for what we want. He wants to give us wealth, happiness and health, we just have to ask for it. If we are sincere in our request, if we believe that God can give it to us, if we just have enough faith, whatever we want is ours. They said that God is just waiting for us to ask. I don’t agree. I don’t think of my prayers as a list of my wants. God knows what I want, and he knows what I need. Most importantly, I believe that He knows what is best for me. So,
Is my faith too weak? Do I rely on God enough? Should I ask for more?
As I have said before, and as is evident by this blog, I very strongly believe in the power of prayer. I believe it is important to have open communication with God. I take him my worries, my fears and my joys. I praise Him and I thank Him. What I can’t do, is ask for a miracle. During Ryan’s illness, I could not bring myself to ask for a miracle. I could not rationalize how I could ask for Ryan to get more than any other child deserved. Why should he be granted a miracle when there are children all around the world who are suffering and dying? Did he deserve better treatment because he had people praying for him? What about all those sick people who have never been introduced to God? They should suffer just because no one is praying for them? Of course not.
So, now it is 1:30 am, and I can’t sleep. My mind won’t let me. I am second guessing myself. Do I not ask because I don’t think it is fair or because I am afraid I won’t get what I ask for? Am I afraid to ask because I know I am not worthy? Am I afraid to ask because I don’t want to be rejected? Am I afraid to ask because that would mean really putting all my faith in Him or do I refuse to ask because He already knows what is best for me and I trust more in his decisions than my own?
Tonight, I am struggling. I am sorry that my faith is not stronger. I am sorry if I am not living up to your expectations. Please forgive me.