Today is one of those days. One of those days I wish I could just stay in bed all day. The weather is perfect, the birds are singing, but I just can’t get motivated to start my day. It is one of those days that I miss Ryan SO much I can hardly breathe. One of those days.
If you have been in our house, you know there are pictures of Ryan everywhere (of course). I talk to them a lot in hopes that wherever he is, he can hear me and knows I am thinking about him. I am used to seeing them and his smile makes me smile. But once in awhile, I look at one and it takes my breath away. It reminds me that he is gone. And my heart breaks all over again.
I would give almost anything and everything to spend one more day with him.
Ryan had an amazing faith. Through everything, he always seemed to know where he was going. He never blamed God and he was ready to meet Him. He knew that we would all be together again, in a better place, without pain. I wish I was as strong as he was. I wish I could be so sure. I wish my faith was stronger.
It is just one of those days.
Tomorrow will come. I pray it will be another beautiful day like today. But for now, I am going to just lay in bed. I am going to hug Ryan’s teddy bear, and shed a few tears. I am going to remember how lucky we were to have him with us for 16 years, and I am going to pray that I get to see him again.
My head and my heart are arguing today. I want to believe that you are there, listening to me. I want to know that I will be there with you someday, but today I am having doubts. Today I am feeling weak. Today the devil is trying to pull me away. Forgive me for not being stronger. Help me to fight my way back to you. Please give me strength and courage. Please help me find peace.